Would you rather take (By ILiveInAnIgloo MaleGold MedalGold TrophySuper StarDiamond 3 weeks ago)

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ILiveInAnIgloo says [Marvel Opening Credits] [radio transmission sound] Asgardian: This is the Asgardian refugee vessel. We are under assault, I repeat, we are under assault - Engines are dead, life support failing. Requesting aid from any vessel within range… Our crew is made up of Asgardian families, we have very few soldiers here. This is not a war craft, I repeat, this is not a war craft. [Inside the ship, Ebony Maw walks among the bodies of dead Asgardians.] Ebony Maw: Hear me, and rejoice. You have had the privilege of being saved by the great Titan. You may think this is suffering. No. It is salvation. Universal scales tipped toward balance because of your sacrifice. Smile, for even in death, you have become children of Thanos. [Loki is seen with the Black Order. He watches Thanos.] Thanos: I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail nonetheless. [grabs Thor.] It's frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you to what end? Dread it, run from it, destiny arrives all the same. And now it's here… or should I say I am. Thor: [grunting] You talk too much. Thanos: [to Loki] The Tesseract, or your brother's head. I assume you have a preference. Loki: Oh, I do. Kill away. [Thanos sets the gauntlet on Thor's temple. Thor suffers in pain.] Loki: All right, stop! Thor: We don't have the Tesseract. It was destroyed on Asgard. [Loki reveals the Tesseract.] Thor: You really are the worst, brother. Loki: I assure you, brother. The sun will shine on us again. Thanos: Your optimism is misplaced, Asgardian. Loki: Well, for one thing, I'm not Asgardian. And for another, we have a Hulk. [Hulk emerges and fights Thanos. Maw stops Black Dwarf from interfering.] Ebony Maw: Let him have his fun. [Thanos defeats Hulk and dumps him to the ground.] Heimdall: Forefathers… let the dark magic flow through me one last time. [Heimdall summons the Bifrost, which carries Hulk away.] Thanos: That was a mistake. [Thanos stabs Heimdall through the heart.] Thor: No! You're going to die for that! Ebony Maw: My humble personage… bows before your grandeur. No other being has ever had the might, nay the nobility, to wield not one, but 2 Infinity Stones. The universe lies within your grasp. [Thanos crushes the Tesseract, revealing the Space Stone. He places it on the gauntlet.] Thanos: There are 2 more Stones on Earth. Find them, my children, and bring them to me on Titan. Proxima Midnight: Father, we will not fail you. Loki: If I might, interject… If you're going to Earth, you might want a guide. I do have a bit of experience in that arena. Thanos: If you consider failure experience. Loki: I consider experience, experience. Almighty Thanos. I, Loki, Prince of Asgard, Odinson, the rightful King of Jotunheim, god of mischief, do hereby pledge to you, my undying fidelity. [Loki attempts to stab Thanos, but fails.] Thanos: "Undying." You should choose your words more carefully. [Thanos chokes Loki to death.] Loki: You… will never be… a god. Thanos: No resurrections this time. [Thanos teleports away with the Black Order.] Thor: No… Loki… [The ship explodes. The Bifrost sends Hulk across space to Earth.] SANCTUM SANCTORUM Doctor Strange: Seriously? You don't have any money? Wong: Attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual. Doctor Strange: I'll tell the guys at the deli. Maybe they'll make you a metaphysical Ham and Rye. Wong: Oh, wait, wait, wait, I think I have 200. Doctor Strange: Dollars? Wong: Rupees. Doctor Strange: Which is? Wong: Uh, buck and a half. Doctor Strange: What do you want? Wong: I wouldn't say no to a Tuna Melt. [Bruce crash-lands on the Sanctum stairs.] Bruce Banner: Thanos is coming. He's coming... Doctor Strange: Who? (Title Screen: Avengers: Infinity War) Tony Stark: Slow down, slow down. I'm totally not kidding. Pepper Potts: You're totally rambling. Tony Stark: No I'm not. Pepper Potts: Lost me. Tony Stark: Look, you know how you're having a dream, and in the dream you gotta pee? Pepper Potts: Yeah. Tony Stark: Okay, and then you're like, oh my god, there's no bathroom, what am I gonna do? Oh! Someone's watching. Pepper Potts: Right. And then you wake up, and in real life you actually have to pee. Tony Stark: Yes. Pepper Potts: Yeah. Everybody has that. Tony Stark: Right! That's the point I'm trying to make. Last night, I dreamt, we had a kid. So real. We named him after your eccentric uncle. Uh, what was his name? Pepper Potts: Right. Tony Stark: Morgan! Morgan. Pepper Potts: So you woke up, and thought that we were... Tony Stark: Expecting. Pepper Potts: Yeah. Tony Stark: Yes? Pepper Potts: No. Tony Stark: I had a dream about it. It was so real. Pepper Potts: If you wanted to have a kid, you wouldn't have done that. [Pepper points to Tony's chest attachment] Tony Stark: I'm glad you brought this up, 'cause it's nothing. It's just a housing unit for nano particles. Pepper Potts: It's not helping your case, OK? Tony Stark: No, no, it's an attachment, it's not a- Pepper Potts: You don't need that. Tony Stark: I know. I had the surgery. I'm just trying to protect us. The future, as is, and that's it. Just in case there's a monster in the closet. Just letting you know. Pepper Potts: Shirts? Tony Stark: You know me so well. You finish all my sentences. Pepper Potts: You should have shirts in your closet. Tony Stark: Yeah. You know what there should be? No more surprises. We're gonna have a nice dinner tonight. Show off this Harry Winston. Right? And we should have no more surprises. Ever. I should promise you. Pepper Potts: Yes. Tony Stark: I will. [Doctor Strange comes through a portal] Doctor Strange: Tony Stark, I'm Doctor Stephen Strange. I need you to come with me. Oh, uh, congratulations on the wedding, by the way. Tony Stark: I'm sorry, you giving out tickets or something? Doctor Strange: We need your help. Look, it's not overselling to say that the fate of the universe is at stake. Tony Stark: And who's "we"? Bruce Banner: Hey, Tony. Tony Stark: Bruce! Bruce Banner: Pepper. Pepper Potts: Hi. Tony Stark: You okay? [Bruce gives Tony a hug.] [Back at the Sanctum Sanctorum] Wong: From the dawn of the universe, there was nothing. Then, boom! The Big Bang sends six elemental crystals, hurdling across the virgin Universe. These Infinity Stones each control an essential aspect of existence. Doctor Strange: Space. Reality. Power. Soul. Mind. And Time. [Dr. Strange opens the Eye of Agamotto, revealing the Time Stone.] Tony Stark: Tell me his name again. Bruce Banner: Thanos. He's a plague, Tony. He invades planets. He takes what he wants. He wipes out half the population. He sent Loki. The attack on New York. That's him. Tony Stark: This is it. What's our timeline? Bruce Banner: No telling. He has the Power and Space Stones, that already makes him the strongest creature in the whole Universe. If he gets his hands, on all six Stones, Tony... Doctor Strange: He can destroy life on a scale hither to undreamt of. Tony Stark: Did you seriously just say "hither to undreamt of"? Doctor Strange: Are you seriously leaning on the Cauldron of the Cosmos? [The Cloak of Levitation smacks Tony's arm.] Tony Stark: I'm going to allow that. If Thanos needs all six, why don't we just stick this one down the garbage disposal? Doctor Strange: No can do. Wong: We swore an oath to protect the Time Stone with our lives. Tony Stark: And I swore off dairy, but then, Ben & Jerry's named a flavor after me, so... Doctor Strange: Stark Raving Hazelnuts. Tony Stark: It's not bad. Doctor Strange: A bit chalky. Wong: "A Hunka-Hulka Burning Fudge" is our favorite. Bruce Banner: That's a thing? Tony Stark: Whatever. Point is, things change. Doctor Strange: Our oath to protect the Time Stone cannot change. This Stone may be the best chance we have against Thanos. Tony Stark: And still conversely, it may also be his best chance against us! Doctor Strange: Well, if we don't do our jobs. Tony Stark: What is your job exactly, besides making balloon animals? Doctor Strange: Protecting your reality, douche bag. Bruce Banner: Okay guys, can we quick cable this discussion right now? The fact is that we have the stone. We know where it is. Vision is out there somewhere with the Mind Stone, and we have to find him now. Tony Stark: Yeah, that's the thing. Bruce Banner: What do you mean? Tony Stark: Two weeks ago, Vision turned off his transponder. He's offline. Bruce Banner: What? Tony, you lost another super bot? Tony Stark: I didn't lose him. He's more than that. He's evolving. Doctor Strange: Who could find Vision, then? Tony Stark: Probably Steve Rogers. Doctor Strange: Oh, great. Tony Stark: Maybe. But... Bruce Banner: Call him. Tony Stark: It's not that easy. God, we haven't caught up in a spell, have we? Bruce Banner: No. Tony Stark: The Avengers broke up. We're toast. Bruce Banner: Broke up? Like a band? Like The Beatles? Tony Stark: Cap and I fell out hard. We're not on speaking terms. Bruce Banner: Tony, listen to me. Thor's gone. Thanos is coming. It doesn't matter who you're talking to or not. [Tony opens the cellular phone Steve mailed him, but stops before clicking "Call". He hears unusual sounds.] Tony Stark: Say, Doc, you wouldn't happen to be moving your hair, would you? Doctor Strange: Not at the moment, no. [Tony looks at the opening on the ceiling and sees metal scraps flying by outside. He exits the Sanctum and scans the chaotic surroundings. He helps a woman up.] Tony Stark: You okay? [A car crashes in on a pole behind Tony.] Tony Stark: Help him! Wong, Doc. Bruce Banner: Go! Got it! Tony Stark: FRIDAY, what am I looking at? FRIDAY: Not sure, I'm working on it. Tony Stark: Hey! You might wanna put that Time Stone in your back pocket, Doc! Doctor Strange: Might wanna use it. [A huge circular ship is seen floating near Bleecker Street. On a bus, Peter Parker senses something is happening, and sees the ship from a window.] Peter Parker: Ned, hey. I need you to cause a distraction. Ned Leeds: Holy shit! We're all gonna die! There's a spaceship! [Peter Parker opens a window using his web shooter. He exits the bus. Students scramble to the windows to see the spaceship.] Stan Lee: What's the matter with you kids? You've never seen a spaceship before? [Peter Parker wears his Spiderman mask and makes his way towards the ship.] Tony Stark: FRIDAY, evac anyone south of 43rd Street, notify first responders. FRIDAY: Will do. [Doctor Strange stops the ship's engine. Ebony Maw and Black Dwarf exit the ship.] Ebony Maw: Hear me, and rejoice. You are about to die at the hands of the Children of Thanos. Be thankful, that your meaningless lives are now contributing to... Tony Stark: I'm sorry, Earth is closed today. You better pack it up and get outta here. Ebony Maw: Stone keeper... Does this chattering animal speak for you? Doctor Strange: Certainly not. I speak for myself. There's no trespassing in this city and on this planet. Tony Stark: It means get lost, Squidward! Ebony Maw: He exhausts me. Bring me the Stone. Tony Stark: Hey, do you want a piece? Bruce Banner: No, not really, but when do I ever get what I want? Tony Stark: That's right. [Bruce attempts to release the Hulk.] Tony Stark: Been a while. Good to have you, buddy. Bruce Banner: I just... I need to concentrate here for one second. Come on, come on, man. Tony Stark: Where's your guy? Bruce Banner: I don't know. We're certainly having a thing. Tony Stark: There's no time for a thing. That's the thing right there. Let's go. [Bruce gives out a loud grunt, but fails to release the Hulk.] Tony Stark: Dude, you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards. Bruce Banner: I can't... He won't... Tony Stark: It's okay. Stand down. [to Wong] Can I leave you with him? Thank you. Wong: I have him. [As Black Dwarf approaches the team, Stark dons his Iron Man suit. He defends himself and casts the Dwarf back to Maw, who dodges him.] Bruce Banner: Where'd that come from? Tony Stark: It's nano-tech. You like it? A little... [Ebony Maw hurls Stark up and attacks the rest of the team. Wong summons a shield.] Doctor Strange: Dr. Banner, if the rest of your green friend won't be joining us... [Doctor Strange teleports Banner to the park. Stark returns and joins the fight.] Tony Stark: You gotta get that stone outta here, now. Doctor Strange: It stays with me. Tony Stark: Exactly. Bye! [Tony flies away but is cut off by Black Dwarf, sending him to the park.] Bruce Banner: Tony, you okay? How we doing? Good, bad? Tony Stark: Really, really good. Really good. Do you plan on helping out? Bruce Banner: I'm trying. He won't come out. [Black Dwarf arrives to the park. Tony's energy beam deflects off Black Dwarf's shield, slicing down trees. Bruce crawls under a fallen tree.] Bruce Banner: Come on, Hulk. What are you doing? Come on. Come on! Come on! Hulk: No! Bruce Banner: What do you mean, no? [Stark is knocked down by Dwarf, but is shielded by Peter Parker.] Peter Parker: Hey, man! What's up, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: Kid, where'd you come from? Peter Parker: The field trip. [Black Dwarf grabs Parker and throws him away.] Peter Parker: What is this guy's problem, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: He's from space. He came here to steal a necklace from a wizard. Iron Man: Unlock 17-A. Iron Man: Happy trails, kid. Friday, send him home. Friday: Yup. [The Guardians enter The Collector’s Museum with Star-Lord leading the way, before he stops and they go on ahead of him despite his signal.] Star Lord: The hand means stop. Thanos: (to the Collector) The Reality stone. now. (We hear sounds of torture as The Collector struggles to breathe.) The Collector: I told you, I sold it. Why would I lie? Thanos: I imagine it’s like breathing for you. The Collector: Like suicide. Thanos: So you do understand. Not even you would surrender something so precious. The Collector: I didn’t know what it was. Thanos: Then you’re more of a fool than I took you for. Drax: (to the Guardians watching on from hiding) It’s him. Thanos: (to The Collector) Last chance charlatan. Where’s the stone? Drax: (to the Guardians) Today, he pays for the deaths of my wife and daughter. Star-Lord: Wait, wait, wait. Drax, wait! (Drax withdraws his knife.) Star-Lord: Woah, woah, woah, not yet! Not yet! Drax! Gamora: Drax! (Drax enters the main room with Thanos and The Collector as the Guardians follow.) (Thanos fights the Guardians and flies away. They follow him.) Thor: Now, I know feels like all hope is lost. Together we can stop Thanos. Rocket: I think we'll pass. Just kidding. We're in. Captain America: Seems like I'm always thanking you for something. T'Challa: We will hold them off. T'Challa: Today we don't fight for one life. We fight for all of them. Thanos: Fun isn’t something one considers when balancing the universe. [referring to the Infinity Stones] But this does put a smile on my face. Thanos: [facing off with the Avengers] Fun isn't really something one considers when balancing the universe. But this does put a smile on my face. [faces off with the Avengers] Thanos: ! Thanos: ...but this does put a smile on my face! Thanos: I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right. Yet to fail all the same. Dread it. Run from it. Destiny still arrives. Thor: Something is very wrong. Mantis: [on Thanos] Death follows him like a shadow. That's who Thanos is. Mantis: We are arriving. Peter Quill: Alright, Guardians, don't forget this might be dangerous, so let's put on our mean faces. Mantis: [sees destruction in space] What happened? Tony Stark: [about Thanos] We have one advantage: He's coming to us... so that's what we use. Thanos: Fun really isn't something one considers when balancing the universe... but this... does put a smile on my face. Peter Quill: [Groot is playing a video game] Groot, put that thing away now. I don't wanna tell you again. Groot? Groot: [in a mocking tone] I am Groot. Quill: Whoa! Rocket Raccoon: Language! Drax the Destroyer: Wow. Quill: You got some acorns on you, kid. Rocket: Ever since you got a little sap, you're a total D-hole. Now, keep it up and I'm gonna smash that thing to pieces! [The Guardians find the Asgardians floating dead in space from the destruction by Thanos] Mantis: What happened? [An unconscious Thor suddenly hits Rocket's windshield of the Quadrant] Rocket: Eww...wipers! Wipers! Get it off! [Thor's eye suddenly opens wide. Later, the Guardians bring him in] Quill: How the hell is this dude still alive? Drax: He's not a dude. You're a dude. This is a MAN. A handsome, muscular man. Quill: I'm muscular. Rocket: Who are you kidding, Quill? You're one sandwich away from fat. Quill: Yeah, right. What? Drax: It's true, you have little weight. [points to his chin and stomach] Quill: Gamora, do you think I'm... [Gamora is transfixed by Thor] Mantis: He is anxious. Angry. He feels tremendous loss and guilt. Drax: It's like a pirate had a baby with an angel. Quill: Wow, this is a real wake-up call for me. Okay, I'm going to get a Bowflex. I'm going to commit, I'm going to get some dumbbells. Rocket: You know you can't eat dumbbells, right? Gamora: [reflexing Thor's arm] It's like his muscles are made of Chitauri metal fiber... Quill: Stop massaging his muscles. [to Mantis] Wake him up. Mantis: [touches Thor's head] Wake... [Thor suddenly violently gasps and wakes up. The Guardians pull out their weapons. Thor then looks back to see them] Thor: ... Who the hell are you guys? Rocket: What are you doing? Thor: Taking your pod. Quill: [deep voice with British accent] No, you're not. You'll not be taking our pod today, sir. Rocket: ... Uh, Quill. Are you making your voice deeper? Quill: No. Drax: You are. You're imitating the god-man. Quill: No, I'm not. Mantis: He just did it again! Quill: This is my voice! Thor: Are you mocking me? Quill: Are you mocking me? Thor: You just did it again. Quill: He's trying to copy me. Gamora: I need to ask a favor. Quill: Yeah. Sure... Gamora: One way or another, the path that we're on leads to Thanos. Quill: Which is what the grenades are for. I'm sorry, what's the favor? Gamora: If things go wrong...if Thanos gets me...I want you to promise me you'll kill me. Quill: What? Gamora: I know something he doesn't. If he finds it out, the entire universe could be at risk. Quill: What do you know? Gamora: If I tell you, you'd know, too. Quill: If it's so important, shouldn't I? Gamora: Only if you want to die. Quill: Why does somebody always have to die in this scenario? Gamora: Just trust me. And possibly, kill me. Quill: I mean, I'd like to. I really would... Gamora: Swear to me. Swear to me on your mother. Quill: [becoming serious] Okay. Okay... [Quill and Gamora kiss. They turn to see Drax eating zarqnuts] Quill: Dude! How long have you been standing there? Drax: An hour. Quill: An hour? Gamora: Are you serious? Drax: I've mastered the ability of standing so incredibly still that I become invisible to the eye. Watch. [slowly raises a nut to his mouth] Quill: You're eating a zarqnut. Drax: But my movement is so slow that it's imperceptible. Quill: No. Drax: I'm sure I'm invisible. Mantis: [entering] Hi, Drax! Drax: Dammit. Thor: There's six stones out there. Thanos already has the Power Stone because he stole it last week, when he decimated Xandar. He stole the Space Stone from me, when he destroyed my ship and slaughtered half my people. The Time and Mind Stones are safe on Earth. They're with the Avengers. Quill: The Avengers? Thor: They're Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Mantis: Like Kevin Bacon? Thor: He may be on the team, I don't know. Haven't been there in a while. As for the Soul Stone, no one's ever seen that. No one even knows where it is. Therefore, Thanos can't get it. Therefore, he's going to Knowhere. Hence, he'll be getting the Reality Stone. You're welcome. Gamora: Then we have to go to Knowhere now. Thor: Wrong. Where we have to go, is Nivadellir. Drax: That's a made up word. Thor: All words are made up. Rocket: Nidavellir is real? Seriously? I mean, that place is a legend. They make the most powerful, horrific weapons to ever torment the universe. I would very much like to go there, please. Thor: The rabbit is correct, and clearly the smartest among you. Rocket: ... Rabbit? Thor: Only Eitri the Dwarf King can make me the weapon I need. I assume you're the captain sir? Rocket: You're very perceptive Thor: You seem like a noble leader. Will you join me on my quest to Nidavellir? Rocket: Let me just ask the captain. Oh wait a second, it's me. Yeah, I'll go. Thor: Wonderful. Quill: Uh, except for I'm the captain. Thor: Quiet. Quill: That's my backpack. Rocket: Go sit down. Quill: Look, this is my ship and I'm not going to - wait wh-what kind of weapon are we talking about here? Thor: The Thanos-killing kind. Quill: Don't you think we should all have a weapon like that? Thor: No. You simply lack the strength to wield them. Your bodies would crumble as your mind collapsed into madness. Rocket: Is it weird that I wanna do it even more now? Thor: Mm, a little bit yeah. Gamora: If we don't go to Knowhere and Thanos retrieves another stone, he'll be too powerful to stop. Thor: He already is. Rocket: I got it figured out. We got two ships and a large assortment of morons. So me and Groot will go with the pirate-angel here and the morons will go to Knowhere to try to stop Thanos. Cool? Cool. Thor: So cool. Quill: For the record..I know you're only going with him because that's where Thanos isn't. Rocket: You know you really shouldn't talk that way to your captain, Quill. C'mon Groot. Put that game down, you'll rot your brain. Thor: I bid you farewell and good luck morons. Bye. Wanda: Vis? Stonekeeper: Welcome, Thanos, son of Eros, Gamora, daughter of Thanos. Thanos: You know us? Stonekeeper: It is my curse to know all who journey here. Thanos: Where is the Soul Stone? Stonekeeper: You should know: it extracts a terrible price. Thanos: I am prepared. Stonekeeper: We all think that at first. [his face is revealed as the Red Skull] We are all wrong. Thanos: How is it you know this place so well? Red Skull: A lifetime ago, I too sought the stones. I even held one in my hand. But it cast me out, banished me here, guiding others to a treasure I cannot possess. Gamora: I was a child when you took me. Thanos: I saved you. Gamora: No, no, we were happy on my home planet. Thanos: Going to bed hungry, scrounging for scraps? Your planet was on the brink of collapse. I was the one who stopped that. You know what's happened since then? The children born have known nothing but full bellies and clear skies. It's a paradise. Gamora: Because you murdered half the planet! Thanos: A small price to pay for salvation. Gamora: You're insane. Thanos: Little one, it's a simple calculus. This universe is finite, its resources ... finite. If life is left unchecked, life will cease to exist. It needs correcting. Gamora: You don't know that! Thanos: I'm the only one who knows that. At least, I'm the only who the will to act on it. Rocket: You speak Groot?! Thor: Yes, they taught it on Asgard. It was an elective. Groot: I am Groot? Thor: You'll know when we're close. Nidavellir's forge harnesses the blazing power of a Neutron Star. It's the birthplace of my hammer; it's truly awesome. Rocket: [to himself] Okay, time to be the Captain. [to Thor] So, dead Brother, huh? That can be annoying. Thor: Well, he's been dead before. But this time... I think it really might be true. Rocket: And you said that your sister and your Dad... Thor: ... Both dead. Rocket: But, still got a Mom, though? Thor: Killed by a Dark Elf. Rocket: Best friend? Thor: Stabbed through the heart. Rocket: You sure you're up for this particular murder mission? Thor: Absolutely. The rage, vengeance, anger, loss, regret, they're all tremendous motivators. They truly clear the mind.. so, I'm good to go. Rocket: Yeah, but this Thanos we're talking about, he's the toughest there is. Thor: Well, he's never fought me. Rocket: ... Yeah, he has! Thor: Well, he's never fought me TWICE! And I'll have a new hammer, don't forget. Rocket: Well, it'd better be some hammer. Thor: You know, I'm 1,500 years old. I've killed twice as many enemies as that, and every one of them would have rather killed me, but none succeeded. I'm only alive because Fate wants we alive. Thanos is just the latest in a long line of bastards, and he'll be the latest to feel my vengeance. Fate wills it so. Rocket: ... And what if you're wrong? Thor: If I'm wrong, then ... what more could I lose? Gamora: All my life I dreamed of a day, a moment, when you got what you deserved. And I was always so disappointed. But now you kill and torture and you call it mercy. The universe has judged you. You asked it for a prize and it told you no. You failed. And do you wanna know why? Because you love nothing! No one! [Thanos sheds a tear] Really? Tears? Red Skull: They are not for him. Gamora: No! This isn't love! Thanos: I ignored my destiny once. I cannot do that again. Even for you. [Gamora tries to kill herself with the double-edged knife Thanos had given her, but it turns into bubbles] I'm sorry, Gamora. Gamora: [realizes what Thanos is about to do] NOOOOOOOO!! [Thanos drags Gamora from a cliff and throws her to death, which grants him the Soul Stone] Banner: Who's Scott? Steve Rogers: Ant-Man. Banner: There's an Ant-Man and a Spider-Man? Stark: [to the Guardians] We gotta work together. Because if all we come out with is a plucky attitude... Quill: Dude, don't call us plucky. We don't know what it means. We're more optimistic, yes. I like your plan. Except...it sucks. So, let me do the plan and that way...it might be really good. Drax: Tell him about the dance-off to save the universe. Stark: What dance-off? Quill: It's not a thing. Parker: Like in Footloose? The movie? Quill: Exactly like Footloose. Is it still the greatest movie in history? Parker: It never was. Stark: Don't encourage Flash Gordan. Quill: Flash Gordon? That's a compliment. Don't forget, I'm half human. So that 50% of me that's stupid, that's 100% you. [Thanos emerges from a teleport on the ruined Titan] Strange: Yeah, you're much more of a "Thanos". Thanos: I take it that Maw is dead? This day extracts a heavy toll. Still, he accomplished his mission. Strange: You may regret that. He brought you face to face with the master of the mystic arts. Thanos: Where do you think he brought you? Strange: Your home? Thanos: It was. And it was beautiful. Titan was like most planets: too many mouths, not enough to go around. And when we faced extinction, I offered a solution. Strange: Genocide. Thanos: At random. Dispassionate, fair. Rich and poor alike. They called me a madman. And what I predicted came to pass. Strange: Congratulations, you're a prophet. Thanos: I'm a survivor. Strange: Who wants to murder trillions. Thanos: With all six stones, I could simply snap my fingers and they would all cease to exist. You know what I call that? Mercy. Strange: Then what? Thanos: I finally rest. Watch the sun rise on a grateful universe. The hardest choices require the strongest wills. Strange: [summons his Mandalas] I think you'll find our wills equal to yours. Thanos: Ours? [Stark crushes him with a pillar of wreckage] Tony Stark: So this is it. It’s all been leading to this. Thor: Ready? Steve Rogers: Let’s go. Karen: Activating Instant Kill. Iron Man: Peter, don't! Gamora: He won't stop. Until he destroys half the universe. Everything you know. Everything you love. It will all be gone. Tony Stark: We got one advantage, he’s coming to us. We have what Thanos wants, so that’s what we’ll use. Peter Quill: Let’s talk about this plan of yours. I think it’s good, except it sucks. So let me do the plan and that way it might be really good. Tony Stark: Wow. Thanos: The end is near. When I’m done, half of humanity will still exist. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. Thanos: [to Tony] I hope they remember you. Peter Parker: I’m Peter, by the way. Dr. Stephen Strange: Dr. Strange. [they shake hands] Peter Parker: Oh. We’re using our made-up names. Then I am Spider-Man. Bruce: Thanos is coming. Tony: We're gonna need some help. Alright, kid. You're an Avenger again. Thanos: You're strong. But, I've been snap my fingers and you'll all exist to exist. Doctor Strange: Before, the time to see the possible outcomes. Tony: Did we win any? Thanos: It's a small price to pay for salvation. Doctor Strange: Thanos. He could destroy the life on ours. Thor: Together, it's our only hope. Join us. Join us, mightest heroes. 'Okoye: When you said you were going to open Wakanda to the rest of the world, this is not what I imagined. T'Challa: What did you imagine? Okoye: The Olympics, maybe even a Starbucks. Iron Man: Give me a little juice, Friday. Black Widow: Let's go. [Thor appears with his new axe Stormbreaker, alongside Rocket and Groot] Banner: [laughing with joy] Oh, you guys are so screwed now! Thor: Bring me THANOS! [Thor, Groot and Rocket charge into the battle for Wakanda] (Doctor Strange just before fading away, sitting on the floor on Titan; says to Tony) Doctor Strange: There was no other way. Black Panther: Thank you for standing with us, M'Baku. M'baku: Of course, brother. Black Panther: How much longer, Shuri? Bruce Banner: [trying to change into the Hulk] Hulk. Hulk, I know you like making your entrance at the last second, well, this is it, man. This is the last last second. Hulk! HULK! [Hulk: NOOOO!] Oh, screw you, you big green asshole! I'll do it myself! [Thanos, having gathered all the Infinity Stones, starts to wipe out half the population and turn everyone to ash] White Wolf: Steve? [he stumbles, collapses into ash] T'Challa: [reaching for a fallen Okoye] Up, General, up! This is no place to die. [disintegrates into ash] Groot: [weakly] I am Groot... Rocket: [watches Groot disintegrating into ash; tearfully] No...no...no...Groot...no... [Scarlet Witch is mourning over Vision. She turns into ash] [An injured Falcon turns to ash, hidden in the brush] War Machine: [searching for Falcon, missing him by only a few feet] Sam? Sam? Where you at? [Back on Titan, a thunderstorm begins] Mantis: Something is happening... [suddenly disintegrates into ash] Drax: [to Quill; noticing his arm starting to disintegrate] Quill? [Drax disintegrates to ash. Quill stares in terror] Stark: Steady, Quill... Quill: Oh, man... [disintegrates into ash] Stark: [turns to Strange with tears in his eyes; realizing what's happening referring to Strange giving Thanos the Time Stone earlier in exchange for Stark's life] Strange: Tony, there was no other way. [turns to ash] Parker: [feels himself starting to disintegrate] Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good... Stark: [trying to be calm] You're alright... Parker: [stumbling] I don't – I don't know what's happening... [grabs onto Stark in desperation and fear, tearfully] I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go. I'm sorry ... [Parker disintegrates into ash in Stark's arms] Nebula: [witnessing Thanos with the Infinity Stones] He did it... [Back on Earth, Steve along with Romanoff, Banner, Rhodey, Thor, Rocket, Okoye and M'Baku have survived] Steve: Oh, God. Nick Fury: Still no word from Stark? Maria Hill: No, not yet. I’m watching every satellite on both hemispheres but still nothing. [Hill receives three beeps from her device.] Nick Fury: What is it? Maria Hill: It’s multiple bogeys over Wakanda. Nick Fury: Same energy signature as New York? Maria Hill: 10 times bigger. Nick Fury: Tell Clint we’ll meet him… [Suddenly, a car crashes into them; Hill goes over to check on the driver of the car, but sees no one in there] Maria Hill: Nick! Nick! Nick Fury: They ok? Maria Hill: There’s nobody here. [In the background, a helicopter spirals out of control and crashes into a high rise.] Nick Fury: Call Control. Code Red. Maria Hill: Nick... [Fury turns and she suddenly disintegrates] Nick Fury: Hill? [rushes off to their car, he gets a beeper and as he starts to transmit a distress signal; he starts to disintegrate] Nick Fury: Oh no. Mother— [Fury disintegrates. The beeper falls to the ground; we see the device display a red-and-blue star insignia] {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay.

Votes by gender

Guys
27 votes
48.1%
51.9%
Girls
9 votes
33.3%
66.7%
Unknowns
31 votes
35.48%
64.52%

Votes by country map view

United States
41 votes
39%
61%
United Kingdom
4 votes
50%
50%
Ireland
3 votes
33%
67%
Philippines
3 votes
100%
Australia
2 votes
50%
50%
Denmark
1 vote
100%
Belgium
1 vote
100%
Finland
1 vote
100%
Norway
1 vote
100%
Netherlands
1 vote
100%
Switzerland
1 vote
100%
Czechia
1 vote
100%
Sweden
1 vote
100%
France
1 vote
100%
Unknown
1 vote
100%
Kenya
1 vote
100%
Germany
1 vote
100%
Zimbabwe
1 vote
100%
Hong Kong
1 vote
100%